Grief is a Four-Letter Word

Grief is a four-letter word. Yes, I can count, but as a grieving mother, it’s a four-letter word in my book.

Just the sound of it is heavy, sad and depressing. Most people avoid it at all cost, just like they avoid me. While I’ve gotten used to the pitiful glances, if you give me five minutes I’ll make one thing abundantly clear: Grief isn’t my entire life. Not by a long shot.

There is so much more to me than being a grieving mother. Did you know I can write? I can bake too. I can sing silly songs to my grandchildren, laugh with my family, and enjoy a good margarita with the sisterhood.

Yes, my life is filled with joy. Most people don’t expect that. Some even say I don’t look like a grieving mother because I smile and enjoy life. Which leads to the inevitable question: How did I manage my loss so well, how did I make sense from such brokenness?

Truth be told, once a grieving mother, always a grieving mother. And forever a permanent sister of The Wailing Tent. Grieving is a horrible process that imprisons us. It’s like someone stole the Technicolor from the movie of our life. But I believe that if I can find my way through the darkness of grief, anyone can.

So I’m happy to answer the inquiries, readily share how I broke free from my sorrow to create a life rich with blessings that include silly songs, moments of laughter, and an occasional salt-rimmed glass.

First, I give a good chunk of the credit to those who surrounded me in my darkest hours. But it’s also true that in the first long stretch, I unapologetically honored my need to tend to my brokenness in private. Like a wounded animal in the wild, I allowed very few in, mainly for their own protection.

Second, pain hurts, and it hurts deeply. And its human nature to flee from that which hurts us. Yet almost instinctively I understood that my wound was simply too profound to run from. So I paid my dues and endured my sentence in the dark, lonely prison of deep sorrow. At the same time, I hung on to the hope that there was no expiration date on the joy that waited for me when I was ready to seek it.

I also recognized that the effort to move through the grief was entirely my responsibility, and mine alone. Every morning I was faced with the choice of whether to get out of bed. It took all my effort and I certainly didn’t feel like it, but I forced myself. And much like strengthening a muscle, my ability to face the day grew stronger until it eventually took no effort at all.

In the meantime, I found a number of gratifying outlets to keep me busy. I love creating projects and endeavors that touch the lives of others, and it fills my heart with gratitude to do so. But in the early days of my solitude, I could barely function so I started with mindless, repetitive projects like beading and knitting. Grief is terribly distracting, so I kept to simple projects for my own safety.

Also, I embraced humor and amusement, because one laugh can scatter a hundred griefs. From the golden oldies like Erma Bombeck and Carol Burnett to modern day comedians such as Carol Scibelli and Tina Fey, they all possess the gift of humor, the ability to make us laugh. And laughter is like an old fashion remedy: it’s good for all that ails us. Including a sorrowful heart.

I also found comfort by reaching out to others who were struggling. It didn’t matter what their loss was, for grief comes in many forms. Supporting others is a powerful way to lift our own hearts, and offers us many benefits. This step singlehandedly is so life changing, that I continue to practice it to this day.

Lastly, I work hard to create hope. It is said that without grief, there would be no need to have hope. And while it too is a four-letter word, it is on the opposite end of the spectrum.

In fact, hope is so much more than just a simple word in the dictionary. It is the life force of our heart and soul, the food source for our dreams. When it rains, we long for the sun. When we’re hungry, we crave a good meal. When we live far from loved ones, we yearn to see them. Hope is the foundation of all our desires.

So without grief, there would be no need for hope. They go hand in hand. Which is why I created an entire event around it, the National Grief and Hope Convention. Maybe creating a convention is a bit extreme but quite simply, so is grief. And grievers need hope.

But this isn’t your average bereavement event. It is filled with nationally known personalities. Some have earned awards, some have written bestsellers, some are famous. But they all have two things in common: loss and healing. And they know that the power of sharing their inspirational journeys offers the gift of comfort and hope to those who are hurting. As the late Christopher Reeve once said, once you choose hope, anything is possible. And no one needs it more than grievers.

So you see, I am and always will be a grieving mother. My sorrow is a lifelong sentence and, from time to time, one can still find me among my sisters in The Wailing Tent. But I worked hard to process my loss, to break free from my prison cell, so I could spend more time seeking joy.

The kind that comes from singing silly songs to my grandchildren, laughing with family, and enjoying a good margarita with the sisterhood. And if I can do it, I believe anyone can. Cheers.

This article was originally published on TheBlaze on March 23, 2015.

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Just Yesterday

Tomorrow is your birthday.  But just yesterday I could hear your voice, smell your hair, touch your skin.  It's been five years, but the pain still runs deep. So very, very deep.  

They say the pain changes with time.  It hasn't. But I have.  My coping skills are stronger.  I am stronger. I like to think I'm a better person with more compassion, more awareness of the world outside my own.  

But the pain runs deep.  So very, very deep. And the tears still fall, and I need to retreat from time to time to The Wailing Tent where I'm among sisters.  I suppose I always will.  

But most days the sun shines bright, and I am grateful.  Today is not one of those days, though.  I want to tell you happy birthday, but the words just won't come.  I know I'm a few hours early anyway, so maybe the words will come tomorrow.

It feels like yesterday that I could hear your voice, smell your hair, and touch your skin.  I wish it were yesterday.   

The Grief Literacy Test

Any griever will tell you that although we live in a highly advanced society, grief literacy in our country remains rooted in the dark ages.  And Nationwide's Super Bowl ad, still fresh in our cross hairs, serves as a sad reminder of grief illiteracy on a national scale.  

Following is a multiple choice Grief Literacy Test which reveals how much (or how little) one understands about grief.  Why is this test critical? Because we all play a direct role in each griever's ability to survive the journey. The more support one receives, the better they faire.  If a griever has little to no support, they may never recover from their devastating loss, resulting in millions of dollars in lost wages, loss of health, loss of family, and worse.  Wondering how your family and friends would score?  Pass this test on to them after taking it yourself. 

TEST DIRECTIONS:

For each question, choose one of the four choices that best describes how you would react in that situation.  When finished, add the numbers representing your answers together to see your grief literacy IQ score.

   

1.  Your coworker just lost a teenage daughter in a car accident.  What do you say to him?

1. Nothing.  I avoid him altogether.
2. I tell him to look at the bright side, they have other children and can always have more.
3. I awkwardly admit that I have no idea how he feels.
4. I just listen, offer lots of support, and hug frequently.

2.  Your neighbor recently lost her young son to an illness.  When should she return to normal?

1. By the time she returns to work.
2. Within 6 months.
3. After the first year.
4. Never.

3.  Your sister lost her husband last year, and still cries on occasion.  How do you react?

1. I avoid her altogether.
2. I get impatient, and tell her its time to move on.
3. I offer to set her up on a blind date or suggest she try on-line dating.
4. I offer tissue and a warm hug.

4.  Your neighbor recently lost her daughter to suicide, and her yard is overgrown.  What should you do?

1. Nothing.  It's her yard and she should get out of bed to take care of it.
2. The fresh air will be good for her, so I might hint that it's become an eyesore.
3. I might offer to help her, but I won't do it for her.
4. I gather up my garden gloves and tools and just get to work.  She won't have the energy to tend to her yard for a very long time, and I like the exercise.  

5.  Your friend lost a son to homicide two years ago, and the son's birthday is next week.  Will you acknowledge it?  

1. No.  His birthday doesn't mean anything to me.
2. No, because its been two years already.  
3. No.  I think its more important to distract my friend from thinking about it.
4. I'm aware that it is a painful time.  I'll give my friend a small token of remembrance, and offer a hug every chance I get.

6.  Your coworker's daughter just died of a drug overdose.  Should you say something?

1. No.  It was a drug overdose, so it doesn't matter.
2. No, because I'm too scared my daughter will do the same.
3. Maybe.  I feel bad, but don't know what to say so I will probably just mumble something about how tragic it is.
4. Yes.  I would tell her that I'm there for her, hug her frequently, and take personal time to research for possible resources that can help.

7.  The holidays are coming up, and your widowed uncle is feeling sentimental.  What are some ways you can help him?

1. There are no ways, so I will just leave him alone.  He is an old man anyway and will soon die too.
2. I avoid mentioning his wife out of fear that I might remind him that she is gone.
3. I don't mention his wife, but I do make him a batch of their favorite cookies.
4. I mention his wife a lot, give him every opportunity to talk about her, and offer him frequent hugs.  

8.  Your brother lost his wife.  You just lost your neighbor.  Are they the same?

1. I don't care that my brother lost his wife.  My neighbor was my best friend, and my pain is the only thing that counts right now.
2. My brother and his wife argued a lot, so I think my loss is worse.
3. If my loss feels this painful, his loss must be terrible too.
4. All losses should be respected and honored without judgement or comparison, for love and loss come in many forms.

9.  Do you think the closed Facebook groups for grievers are helpful?

1. No.  Those groups are nothing more than one big pity party.
2. I don't understand why those groups need to be closed, but I'm glad I don't have to listen to their sad stories.
3. I don't understand their purpose, but if they help then that could only be a good thing.
4. Those groups are wonderful because they offer a free, safe place for grievers to express their emotions, which is one of the first step towards healing.

10.  How well do you understand the grief journey?

1. I don't need to understand it.  Grief is a part of life, so what's the big deal?
2. I believe that it is a 5-stage journey, like they have taught for years.
3. I believe that every loss is different, and that each griever may experience different stages as they move through their journey.
4. I believe that every grief journey is as unique as one's fingerprint, no two are alike.  I believe that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and that the journey sometimes feels like a never ending roller coaster on steroids.

11.  Do you think the National Grief & Hope Convention is worthwhile?

1. Absolutely not.  It's nothing more than a pity party and huge downer.
2. I don't know anything about it, but it must be pretty depressing.
3. Maybe.  I can't imagine that it would offer anything fun, but it it helps people, then that's good.
4. I'm thankful all those speakers will share their journeys of loss and hope so openly. It will be a beautiful and pivotal moment in the history of grief, and its wonderful that the convention is open to anyone who wants to attend!

SCORING:

If you scored 44:  You are grief literate, and make a wonderful role model for how to support grievers.

If you scored 30-43:  You don't fully understand the significant effects a devastating loss can have, but your compassion and open mind are a wonderful start.

If you scored below 30:  You are shamefully illiterate.  But there is hope for you.  Simply memorize the following three steps and apply to every griever you encounter.  

     STEP ONE:  Listen.  

     STEP TWO:  Hug.  

     STEP THREE:  Repeat.

The idea behind this Grief Literacy Test is not to prove someone else's illiteracy.  Rather, its an opportunity to examine where we can improve our own.  Only then, can we as a society update the old myths and stigmas that keep today's grief in the dark ages.  And that is the very first step towards bringing grief out of the dark and into the light now and for generations to come.

Don't Hate Nationwide for Airing Super Bowl Ad

It's true that Nationwide committed a serious faux pas by depicting a dead child in their marketing ad, and then airing it during the Super Bowl.  Although it justifiably elicited an outcry from grievers around the world, don't hate Nationwide.  Unfortunately, they are just a sad victim of the grief illiterate society we live in.

Yes, with today's advanced technology backed by millions of dollars set aside for marketing campaigns, one would think the Nationwide team would have chosen a different strategy for getting their message across.  So this morning I put on my professional Executive Director of the National Grief & Hope Convention voice and put in a call to VP & Chief Customer Advocate Jasmine Green.  

First, I must share that Ms. Green is truly a lovely lady who sadly understands grief firsthand.  Second, I didn't call to chide Nationwide for their poor choice in marketing campaigns.  My phone call was purposeful and straight to the point:  would Nationwide join us at the upcoming National Grief & Hope Convention to help raise grief literacy?  If world leaders such as Bernice King feel moved to help educate the public by sharing grief journeys on our stage, my hope is that Nationwide would right a wrong by at least attending the convention to help improve its own corporate grief literacy.

In our phone conversation, Ms. Green clarified that their mission was to raise awareness about child safety and accident prevention, and thus they stand by their choice to air such a controversial ad.  But in doing so, they touched on a very raw nerve by those grieving the loss of a child who couldn't be saved.  

Whether Nationwide will join us at the convention remains to be seen (Ms. Green assured me that my invitation would cross the desk of the CMO).  Whether they accept my offer or not, one unexpected benefit of such a gauche ad is that it unintentionally sheds light on just how delicate and complex the grief journey is.  And that could very well be the beginning of improved grief literacy.  Thanks Nationwide.  I'm on your side.  

Am I Cheating on My Grief When I Dance with Joy?

Dear friends,

As producer of the Grief Diaries Radio show, I was inspired to launch a second radio show that would allow us to unabashedly discuss the authentic side of womanhood. My first guest was a well established Passion Party consultant and our topic was how to bring fun back into our intimate lives.  

The hour flew by quickly, and the broadcast was over before we knew it. Afterwards, I reflected on how many times I had to mute my microphone so I could giggle like a schoolgirl at the

delicate discussion in which I was a willing participant.  But truth be told, as a grieving mother, I felt like I was "cheating" on my grief by allowing myself to have fun. After all, some of my endeavors focus on raising grief awareness. So was I doing us all a disservice by spending the hour enjoying myself?  Would others think I'm "healed" or I've "moved on" when they hear a hearty laugh coming from the same woman who is a member of The Wailing Tent?  Shame on me for having fun after losing my beloved child!  Or not....    

The truth is, we are not "cheating" on our grief when we feel something other than sorrow.  Allowing ourselves to feel joy helps to balance the sadness and recharge our batteries.  And my broadcast featuring….ahem….passion enhancement products, was absolutely divine and it felt GOOD to laugh again.  And it gave me hope for the future.  Yes, I "cheated" on my grief and had a one-night stand with joy.  And I plan to do it again.  

May the new year bring you moments of peace, comfort and yes, even joy.