For most, the holiday season
is a cherished time of year when families and friends come together to honor
their faith, enjoy a formal dinner, or simply spend precious time
together. But if someone in the
gathering is in the midst of profound grief, it can turn the merriment into a
tense and stressful time. Why is the treasured
holiday season so difficult for grievers?
Not only are they grieving the loss of someone close to them, but they
are also grieving the loss of future holiday memories with their loved
one.
Grief is one of the most
profound of all injuries, yet the absence of physical wounds can make it
difficult to manage. To help you understand
what the griever is facing, it can be helpful to consider the griever as not
only gravely injured, but also facing a lengthy recovery that has no end in
sight. With this frame of mind, the following
tips can help you support the griever as they work hard to survive an
emotionally overwhelming time of year.
1. Allow
the griever to set the tone for how they wish to cope with the holidays, and
honor their choices. Whether they wish
to maintain their normal holiday routine, desire to leave town, or ignore the
holidays entirely, resist the urge to pressure the griever to handle the
holidays “your” way. They know what’s
best for them, even if you don’t agree.
2. Recognize
that you simply cannot lessen a griever’s pain.
Trying to do so will only exhaust you and, simply put, you cannot do or
say anything that will ease the gaping wound of sorrow that follows in the wake
of profound loss. Instead, replace your
words with a hug as often as necessary.
3. Do
not feel guilty when you forget tip #2 above, it happens to all of us. Remind yourself that the griever is coping
with a significant wound that cannot be healed any faster than life itself. If a simple statement or gesture could fix
it, they would have done it.
4. Do
not avoid the griever. Your absence will
be noticed more than you think. If the
griever asks to be left alone, honor their wishes if it is safe to do so. Otherwise, include them in the festivities
and treat them as you would any other significantly injured guest: with kindness, compassion, and gentleness.
5. Resist
the urge to try to fill the griever’s calendar with festivities as a way to
cheer them. Just like all healing, grieving
is physically and emotionally exhausting and the griever may not have the
energy to keep up with all the celebrations.
6. When
around the griever, do not pretend nothing has happened. That only creates the elephant in the room. But don’t coddle them either. Remember, treat them with kindness,
compassion, and gentleness.
7. Do
not feel guilty for enjoying your own festivities. And give yourself permission to take time out
for yourself. The holiday celebrations
are a wonderful way to recharge your own batteries, and depriving yourself
serves no purpose. If the griever is
present most of the time, then carve out ways that allow you to celebrate in
private. Even small ways can recharge
your batteries, like indulging in whipped cream on your favorite hot holiday
drink or enjoying a night out with other friends.
8. Expect
the griever to have cranky moments. From
lashing out in anger to having a meltdown like a small child, pain can easily
overload our emotions. Recognize that the emotions of grief are far
too powerful for us to control every second.
If you are having difficulty finding compassion during one of these
moments, go outside for a breath of fresh air and take a moment to remember
that pain makes us all cranky. It’s
human nature.
9. If
possible, help the griever find a way to honor their loved one’s memory during
the holidays. Treat them to coffee, then
“pay it forward” to the person in line behind you in the loved one’s memory. Or buy a small bouquet of balloons in the
loved one’s favorite color and leave it in a public spot for a stranger to find
while you both watch discretely. Or help
the griever donate to a cause that was close to their loved one’s heart.
10. Should the griever find themselves caught
up in the moment and enjoying the merriment, celebrate with them. But be patient if the moment doesn’t last
long. Over time, those precious moments
of joy will grow as the rawness softens.
You need not understand the
complexity of grief in order to have compassion and sensitivity toward the
griever’s discomfort and sadness during the holiday season. Past memories of merrier times and traditions
magnify the loss and sorrow that those times and traditions are no longer,
abruptly replaced by a new, often unwanted future.
Remember that the griever is working hard to
cope with a profound injury: a genuinely
broken heart. Honor the griever’s sorrow
by allowing their tears when the emotions become too raw to keep inside. Tears offers a release from the emotion, and
your warm hug and dry shoulder offers the most precious holiday gift of
all.
